Ayatollah Khamenei Arrives in Hell, Demands to Speak With the Manager Five Observations From the Welcome Desk at the Gates of Eternal Damnation Hell's health and safety committee convened an emergency session within four minutes of his arrival. Nobody had updated the risk assessment to include theocrats. This is what happens when you let procedures lapse. [caption id="attachment_14603" align="alignright" width="300"] Ayatollah Khamenei stepped off Hell's escalator with a pressed robe, a calm expression, and what appeared to be a prepared statement disputing "Western exaggerations regarding ambient temperatures." His first question: who administers the sanctions regime?[/caption] Flames dimmed out of deference, then brightened again on advice from the security sub-panel. Even in the afterlife, there is a sub-panel. There is always…
Khamenei's Phone Going to Voicemail: Five Observations from a Country That Was Definitely Not Involved Khamenei's phone has more missed calls than a British GP surgery on a Bank Holiday Monday. Leadership House received what Whitehall sources are calling an "unsolicited exterior consultation" — and Britain knows nothing about it. Keir Starmer moved Typhoon jets to the region "just in case," in the same spirit a man brings an umbrella to someone else's bonfire. BBC Verify has heroically confirmed that the smoke over Tehran is, in fact, smoke. The sky is being investigated separately. Nigel Farage demanded Britain back America fully. Keir Starmer demanded a negotiated solution. The Jubilee Line remained delayed for entirely unrelated reasons. Leadership House Receives 'Unsolicited Exterior Consultation' —…
Gorton and Denton Byelection Leaves Labour Searching for the Fuse Box as Hannah Spencer Declares Victory in Broad Daylight GORTON…
British Chap Bets Life Savings on Bleeding Obvious, Walks Away Quids In Over here in Britain, we have a long…
BAFTAs 2026 Accidentally Invent New Genre: "Prestige Chaos" Five Observations That Nobody Asked For But Everyone Needed The only thing…
Society Achieves New Scientific Breakthrough: Maury Povich Now Requires A Supercomputer OnlyFans performer Bonnie Blue The modern world once promised flying…
Age of Consent in the UK: The Legal Reality Nobody Wants to Talk About It's 16. It's in the Statute…
Ayatollah Khamenei Arrives in Hell, Demands to Speak With the Manager Five Observations From the Welcome Desk at the Gates of Eternal Damnation Hell’s health and safety committee convened an emergency session within four minutes of his arrival. Nobody had…
Fancy a Holiday in the Middle East? Experts Suggest Travel Insurance, a Flask of Tea, and Possibly a Helmet Before you iron your chinos and locate your passport from behind the radiator, aviation authorities would like to gently remind you that the…
Prince William Threatens Royal Title Purge Because Cousins Aren’t Bringing Enough Tea to Family Drama LONDON — In what palace insiders are describing as a “measured and deeply reflective moment of simmering disappointment,” Prince William is reportedly considering a strategic thinning of…
A Marriage in Transactions Love, Honor, and WTF In a development economists are calling “predictable but absolutely mortifying,” a married couple has entered what experts describe as the first officially audited domestic Cold War after a husband reportedly lost his…
Gorton and Denton Byelection Leaves Labour Searching for the Fuse Box as Hannah Spencer Declares Victory in Broad Daylight GORTON AND DENTON, UK — Democracy arrived in Greater Manchester this week wearing a high-vis vest and carrying what observers described as…
Pakistan-Afghanistan Relations Downgraded From ‘Complicated’ to ‘Explosive’ Observations From a Safe Distance, Which Is to Say, Quite Far Away Indeed The relationship status between Pakistan and Afghanistan has moved from “It’s Complicated” to “Right. Outside. Now.” Both governments are confident…
Mexico: Civil War, Cartel Clashes and England Fans Turned War Correspondents By the time this dispatch reaches your screen, your sports pages might just include frontline briefings — because Mexico’s ongoing cartel retaliation has blurred the line between football rivalry and actual…
Anthropic Gets Its P45: A British Guide to America’s AI Shambles in 47 Acts of Magnificent Confusion WASHINGTON (filed with mild bewilderment from somewhere sensible) — The Trump administration has booted Anthropic out of the federal government’s technology cupboard with all the…
15 British Observations About America’s Attacks on Iran Before Anyone Had Finished Their Morning Tea Somewhere between the six o’clock news and the second round of toast, America went and started a war. Again. The Pentagon named it Operation Epic…
Keir Starmer Declares UK Seeks Stability, Defines Stability as “Not My Fault” LONDON — As the United States and Israel launched what President Donald Trump called major combat operations against Iran, and as the Israel Defense Forces confirmed retaliatory strikes from Tehran toward…
101 Reasons Google Readers Should Stop Having a Moan About Satirical Journalism What Is Satirical Journalism? A Guide for Confused Google Readers Satirical journalism uses humour, irony, and exaggeration to critique politics, society, and culture. Britain has a rich tradition…
Khamenei’s Phone Going to Voicemail: Five Observations from a Country That Was Definitely Not Involved Khamenei’s phone has more missed calls than a British GP surgery on a Bank Holiday Monday. Leadership House received what Whitehall sources are calling an…
Sam Altman Suggests We All Just Eat Less So AI Can Have More Juice 🍽️🔋 Diet for the Digital Age: Silicon Valley’s Most Efficient Solution Yet Silicon Valley has finally solved climate change. Not with fusion. Not with wind. Not…
If Figure Skating Judging Is Biased, It Is Quite Obviously Biased Towards Drama, Darling Figure skating is the only sport where a man can hurl himself skyward, revolve four times like a washing machine full of sequins, land on a…
🔥 Buckle up for a satirical pirouette through the glacial waters of celebrity dating news 🧊💔 — because when it comes to Ilia Malinin’s love life, the headlines are about as steamy as a British seaside holiday in February. Which is…
15 Observations on the Ultimate Hackable Highway Your car now collects more data on you than your ex ever did — and it’s got fewer emotional boundaries. CEOs promise “secure cars” with the same confidence TV evangelists promise weight loss.…
MONTECITO / LONDON, FEBRUARY 2026 — Somewhere in California, reportedly, a couple who spent years being cast as the monarchy’s greatest villains — the ungrateful, camera-hungry deserters who abandoned their posts for Netflix deals and wellness podcasts — are said to…
India Awarded Prestigious Role of Civilisation’s Most Productive Unpaid Intern, Plaque in the Post Splendid news from the world of artificial intelligence this week. India — home to 1.4 billion people, 22 official languages, and the global record for correcting…
OpenAI Cuts $800 Billion From Spending Plans — Silicon Valley Discovers Math In a development that has shocked absolutely no one with a calculator, OpenAI has quietly informed investors that its grand plan to spend $1.4 trillion on computing power by 2030 was, shall…
There is a phrase doing the rounds in American politics that deserves a moment of quiet, reverent examination. “Respectfully, f— off.” 🎩🔥 It is, if you squint at it long enough, a masterpiece. The linguistic equivalent of presenting a letter…
